Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Ups and Downs

This time of year I have lots of ups and downs.  Just before Spring time hits, I get a little lethargic.  It's not like I have anything to complain about.  We don't have 5 feet of snow like my friends and family in New England!  We have brown and gray.  Brown grass.  Gray trees.  Brown leaves (oaks are slow to loose their leaves and some don't lose them till the new ones sprout in spring.....).  A lot of gray skies.

Last weekend, we got royally spoiled.  It was 73 degrees here in central VA on Sunday.  Amazingly beautiful day.  I spent part of it at spinning group, but I couldn't sit still because it was SO nice outside.  It's an hour's drive here to there, then back another hour, so I took off early and drove home with the windows down and music blaring.  It's how I roll when I'm alone, the sun is shining and the temps are in the 70's.  :-)

I know Spring is right around the corner.  I don't want to wish days away because every day is a gift to me.  After having a heart attack that killed me back in 2007, and dealing with cancer of the uterus in 2011, I love living every day.

©Martha Manigross
It's just that some days, I feel very lonely.  Isolated.  Friendless.  I know this will pass.  It's just really difficult for me some days.  I know I have friends.  I know that if I picked up the phone, or sent an email, someone would be willing to get together.  The problem is, it just feels like I do all the work sometimes.  Like I'm the one always asking people to go somewhere, or have lunch, or whatever.  I love having friends, and doing things with them.  I'm not sure why others don't ask ME out, to go here or there, or do fun stuff.   Is something wrong with me?

©Martha Manigross
Of course, I know that sometimes I can't do what others do.  Sometimes people say, let's make a weekend out of going here.  Stay overnight.  Well, that doesn't work so well for me.  I have a husband.  One that likes to have me around.  One I like being around.  If I went out for a weekend with the girls, what would I feel like if he went out for a weekend with the boys?  I'd be lonely.  Of course, he doesn't go out for a weekend with the boys because he doesn't have any friends.  He isn't a social guy.  He doesn't belong to any sports teams, or music groups.  He doesn't drink, so bars are out.  He doesn't have any hobbies.  I mean NO hobbies. He used to do all of the above.  Way back when.  Before we lived in the middle of nowheresville country.

When he's not working, taking care of the horses, or doing the work that comes along with having a 5.5 acre farm, we are together.  Whether it be going out shopping, eating lunch out, or he's going along with me to find something that I have in mind that I MUST have, we are together.  Or, we are watching our nightly shows on t.v.  Yeah, probably not healthy, but it's what we do.

I spent many years where he did his own thing, and I brought up the kids.  Dance classes, dance competitions, traveling here and there to find costumes or dance shoes or dance outfits.  Yeah, I was a dance mom, but never ran into what you see on t.v. now-a-days.  Thank God!  While I was working and traveling here and there with our daughter, Husband was out working for the Army being a soldier, or playing one of the many sports he used to play, or keeping in shape (for the Army), or doing whatever he did.  I spent many years wondering why he didn't want to be with me.

Now, however, he's changed.  No more running around doing that kind of stuff.  He works from home, and he doesn't play those wild sports anymore.  His body won't let him.  He likes to take me places if there's something I want to get, but sometimes, he just doesn't want to drive that far, or be away from home that long.  It all depends.

It's days like today that I get up, and there's no one else to play with.  My friends either work, or just have other interests.  Someone I thought was my friend, who I tried to be there for during some tough times, totally never saw me as her friend.  She thinks that because we have different interests, that we don't have anything in common.  I really like her, and like spending time with her, but I always get the feeling she's bored with me, and doesn't really enjoy MY company.  So I'm backing off from her.
©Martha Manigross
 There are some other people that I really like spending time with, but they live where we used to live. Travelling up and down I95 isn't easy and is time consuming.  So I don't get to spend as much time with them as I'd like.

There are yet other people that I guess are friends.  Maybe my definition of a friend, needs to be different.  I guess there are friends.  Then there are acquaintances.  Most of the people I know are really the latter.  Not the former.

I'm grateful I have my husband.  I'd like to have him, AND have friends that like to spend time with me.
I'm also grateful I have my hobbies, and that my husband supports me having them.

©Martha Manigross
I've always felt like an outcast, and days like this, I still do.  I don't know why I let it get to me.  I have everything else I could ask for.  Well, except maybe good health and I'm trying to work on that.
If I don't get back before this weekend, Happy Valentine's Day.

Anyway, I hope you have many good friends, and that you enjoy your life every day.  I certainly try to.  Even if I get a little down now and then, I work on appreciating my days.

Take care,

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