Friday, February 6, 2015

Content

Even as old as I am (upper 50's), I still struggle daily with the simple decisions.  When a decision has to be made, my brain instantly takes in all of the considerations - who, what and how will it affect?  I've always had a huge guilt factor.  I'm not quite sure how it was instilled in me.  If I was told I'd done something wrong, and in my mind it wasn't intentional and I didn't know it was wrong, I would get very upset and embarrassed.  I'd usually cry.  That happened well into my adult years.  It was a response I couldn't help.  In the long run, it made me afraid to try things.  To the point that I now, don't even like to try something new in public.

I'm learning, even now, that if I made an honest mistake, I just have to say, it was a mistake, I didn't mean it, and I'm sorry for the results.  Bring on the consequences.  Easy enough to say, but even now, if I think about going to work in a public place, it scares the bejeepers out of me.  That's just not normal.

I have, however, learned a bit about coming into myself and knowing that I have to take care of me, before I can worry about what anyone else thinks.

Found on Facebook
 Recently, I made the decision to back off on my fiber business as a retailer.  I've put aside the dreams of having a shop/studio, and I'm concentrating more on creativity.  It's going to take me some time to adjust to not pushing and worrying about what I'm selling.  I do have to say though, it's a HUGE relief.  I feel so relaxed and free now that I'm not worrying about what I'm going to have to invest in order to attend a fiber festival and if we'll make money or lose money.

The facts are that I was making money, but not making more than I was spending.

That's not going to change.  In order to create, I have to spend to get supplies.

However, I have a ton of stuff in this house that I can use right now, to work on at the moment.  If someone doesn't snatch up those long locks on my Etsy shop, I will use them myself, in my spinning and weaving.  I figure eventually, someone will love what I make, because when I was dyeing those long locks, I was in love with what I'd done, which to me, means that it's meant to be something that is in my head.

I'm so happy right now, to be working on things that make me feel content.  I think that's the word.  Content.  Not settled.  Not settling for.  Not happy.  Content.  I believe a lot of people don't know how to find their contentment.

That being said, I have some medical stuff I'm dealing with.  I'll be finding out in 2 weeks, what the doc says about my knee, and whether that means surgery, and what will result out of that - more PT I'm sure.  Sigh.  All I know is, I'd like to not be waking up in the middle of the night and be in pain, and I'd like to start working out more, especially walking, to get myself back into shape.  I'm the heaviest I've ever been........and I know that adds to the medical/pain stuff.

I hope you are content with what you do and where you are in life.

Take care,
Martha

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