Friday, February 21, 2014

My Heart....

While I'm enjoying the Journey to the Golden Fleece (see that post here), it has made me think, and thinking is what I do a LOT of.  I took a test this morning (on FB so who knows the reilability of it) about right brain/left brain.  It said I use both sides equally.  Well, that explains a lot....it's why I hold these arguements inside my head over absolutely EVERYTHING!  I'm such a mess some days that I get in my own way, and then I can't create anything because I can't decide what to do, or I think that if I want to do that, then I would be using something that I should be selling (a supply), and then I would lose money because I used it....and what if what I use it for doesn't sell?  Boy, do I get complicated. 

All that to say, I've come to realize, I don't use my heart, I use my head.....WAY too much!

I'm going to work on changing that.  It's not bad to use you head a lot, but when it gets in the way of DOING, then yeah, it's something I need to get out of.  Get out of my head.  Get into my heart.  That's what I'm going to do. 

My heart actually stopped back in 2007.  Luckily, by the time it stopped, we were already at the hospital.  I don't remember anything happening once I'd died.  No white light.  No angels.  No Satan.  No anything.  Just darkness.  Blackness.  Then back to life and light and the living. 

A lot has happened to me since then, including the fact that I never really coped with having a heart attack that killed me.  I've never really dealt with the fact I had it, or the fact that I died.

I have, however, had this NEED to do everything I want to do.  My poor loving hubby has been SO good to me.  He really changed.  I think it scared him beyond belief, and I believe he hasn't dealt with that either....

We just kept going, moving through life, trying to make the best of things, but always being cautious.

I hate being cautious.

I gave up horseback riding and gave up my horse because I was tired of being nervous every time I got on my horse, and I was tired of hitting the ground.

I did find fiber, finally.  Yeah, not the kind you eat.  The kind you play with.  Wool, in particular.  I NEVER thought I'd ever have anything to do with wool!  LOL

Now, one of my favorite yarns is in a photograph in my header on my blog.

I love playing with the fiber.  Dyeing the fiber; blending the fiber; adding shiny stuff to the fiber; making the fiber everything from lumpy bumpy, to traditional looking yarn.  

I bought a small loom because I have this NEED to make some wall hangings.  I haven't done it yet though.....I keep holding back, wondering if it will come out how I see it in my brain.

Yeah, there's the brain getting in the way again.

I colored in my Journey coloring book.  Yep, we get to color.  It's FUN.  The first page is a sail boat, that is taking us on our journey - sailing away, or sailing to?  Hmm, that just occurred to me.....

Anyway, then I colored the Mod 1 shield.  I was really into it with my pencils, then I noticed a few colored markers in my box....so used some of those too.  I like it but I chose weird color combos.  Don't know why and I'm not going to over-think it.  But, I did notice, more after I was done, that there is a small heart, dead center of the shield.  Yep, there's that heart.  Reminding me, once again, that I need to follow my heart...........

I tend to live in the future.  I refuse to live in my past.  It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't the greatest either.  I forget to LIVE in the NOW.  I forget to LOVE what I'm doing NOW.  I'm always thinking about what else I can do, even while I'm creating.  Funny thing is, when I'm spinning, I hardly do that.  I pretty much Zen out.  That's something that doesn't happen when doing any other craft.  I could literally spin all day, every day - well, except that the arthritis in my thumb joints don't really let me......

The Journey has already taught me that I'm not paying attention to NOW, and I'm not following my heart.

Oh, I so wonder, where else this Journey will take me.

I'm off to gather the things I will make my first yarn out of.  Then, I will let it keep me company in the house, around me, whatever I'm doing, for a few days.  I will contemplate as I have been doing for the last week, and I will start spinning next week at some point.

Meanwhile, I'm off to take care of some things around here and leave in about an hour for my massage, which I'm SO looking forward to..........

Take the time to enjoy what you are doing, right NOW.  Live in today. Love what you do.  Be who you are!

Take care,
Martha

1 comment:

bspinner said...

I love this posting! I'm sorry to hear about your heart attact! I have seizures and when I have them I have no clue what's going on. Just completely blank until I come around.
I want a massage too. I've never had one.
Spinning is such great fun. I do enjoy weaving so don't be affraid just let yourself go and do it. I'm not doing to much weaving. I'm having problems with my joints.
Look forward for your next post.